May 23, 2013

all that you can't leave behind





I've been posting pretty regularly these days
but I haven't really been saying a whole lot.
I've been working through a few things over the past few weeks.
I have a tendency to fight with myself
to do one thing
and then chastise myself for choosing that thing over another.

But as I said,
I've been working through things.

I've been asking myself
"What do I want?"

This has been a crippling question for me throughout my life
and I think it's largely because I have often felt
like everything was out of my control
thus rendering my dreams

moot.

But here's where I'm at with this
at least for now.

What I want
is to be content
with where I am
and what I am doing.

Sounds like a grand statement, no?
But what I mean is - 
if I'm enjoying a book on the patio
with lemonade nearby
and the sun warming my legs
then I want my brain to settle in that place
and feel content
knowing that I am where I want to be.

I always feel like I'm racing
but never getting anything done.
I need to know it's ok to stop
(or not)
and that the world will keep on turning
and whatever I don't choose
will probably still be there for me
when I'm ready for it.