April 25, 2011

what if

What ifs can be a killer.
A true party pooper.
and by what if I mean
what if things had been different
(not the kind of what if I used margarine instead of butter? what if
but something more - weighty)

I try to avoid what ifs
because my mother inevitably comes to mind
and it's too painful to try to imagine what my life would be
were she was still around.
It might not be better - but it would be different, I am sure.

But it's not her I'm thinking of these days.
I'm thinking of this:

What if, all this time, I hadn't been plagued by a lack of self- confidence?
What if I'd been saying all along - I can do that - instead of -
I can't.

What if I'd had the confidence to dream
and to think that I deserved those dreams
and that some of them might be in my power to make them come true?

Where would I be?
Who would I be?
Because sometimes, I feel like I really have no idea.

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